This Pen Dwells on Guilt

"...The white man needs the Negro to free him from his guilt. " Martin Luther King, Jr.

Do you experience guilt? Does it debilitate and alienate you? Are you sometimes rendered an awkward ineffectual because of that existential weight? Or a ranting annoyance?

I think I've pointed out my guilt in previous posts. Dare I say, I've harped and grumbled and whined and beat a dead horse about my guilt? Well it hasn't gone away. I'm beginning to accept that it doesn't go away. My graduate diploma could read Guilt Masochist, MA.

And my anomalic pigmentation, my proficiency in both the colonizer and neocolonizer languages, my nationality, my profession, these are very visible brandings of why I might have cause to succumb to guilt in Senegal.

So why am I once again pontificating about my guilt?


Let the anecdote commence:

I went to the market in Dakar with a very unlucky friend. During her first month in Senegal she has parted with $100, an unwilling and unknowing donation to a smooth con-artist. She has lost a computer in a burglary. She has fallen victim to malaria and an intestinal infection. She wasn't born yesterday, but she is considering visiting a voodoo doctor to surgically remove her hex.

Shopping is not my favorite activity. I just don't like to buy things. When I do, I impulse buy. My money vomits out of my hand like bad vodka. It's too much stimulus, too many choices. Chaos. I've found large souks to be the worst. Large souks where people scream out foreign words, kiosks reek of rotting fish in blazing heat and buzz with flies, little children and grown men beg for money.

Combined with her bad luck and my shopping ineptitude, what did we expect?



But we should have known better. When the rasta-resembling Baye Fall (a Senegalese brotherhood of Islam based on Qur'anic and Sufi traditions) saw our polite response to his Wolof salutation (call: Nanga Def; response: Mangi fi) as an invitation to join us, as an interest in visiting his shop, we should have just kept quiet until he left us. But we couldn't shake him. Did I mention the market is stressful? He grew from one to three. All pursuing us for monetary compensation. When one man asked my friend for a kiss and pursed his lips, she snapped at him to leave us alone (in Wolof: Baima).

Unexpectedly, the man grew enraged. He called us racists (ironically, my friend's father is black). He became aggressive, screaming, specs of his spit hitting our wide eyes, veins popping out of his forehead, arms failing, pointing at his skin. He told us to go home. That we were no good.

Being called a racist is a big deal where I come from. Being loudly proclaimed as a racist in front of a market full of Africans is horrifying. We quickly jumped in a taxi and sped away.

The man was wrong to have done it. We later found out that this happens to tubaabs (foreigners) routinely in Dakar. Yet, I get it.



I not only represent a past of disgusting brutalization but a present of both visible and unseen exploitation (just in different terms such as food colonialism, resource extraction, structural adjustment policies, bilateral free trade agreements, the war on terror...).

God, all the reasons this man has to be angry with me. With my simple luck in being born an American in a comfy Midwestern "mansion" while he has to hustle in the streets everyday, begging young white girls for money, working for the Lebanese and French, imperialistic ghosts, watching American media and wondering why not him too?

Poverty is violent. Very violent. This man is a victim. I have guilt about this.

However, he's also a perpetrator. I have no doubt his anger was borne in some small way out of hurt pride. Like every other country in the world, Senegalese women are the man's inferior. He most likely didn't expect such a strong reaction out of my friend's mouth. Can he really expect us to allow such sexist insults? I have no guilt about this.

And funny enough, his spoken language, Wolof, and possibly his tribe, is a sort of African colonizer. It has become the national African language, even though there are hundreds. The Wolof tribe dominates the country. And it was the Wolof tribe that sold their Seneglese neighbors to the slave traders. Few people in this world have clean hands.

So yes, my presence in Senegal and my guilt is as horribly complex as the situation is horrible. My guilt though, is not a problem. In fact, my guilt, if channeled resourcefully, can be part of the solution. I would argue that the only way we will have real change is when a lot of us, a whole lot of us, start feeling really guilty. And start doing something about it.