This upset was stress induced, but then isn't anything significant? I had spent the day hunched over my lap top at one of the few open places of business during daylight hours, the ever-reliable Starbucks. I was downloading applications for job possibilities next year and researching programs. As I read more about fellowships and grants like fulbright and Bosch, I began to feel slightly euphoric as images of Berlin and Tunisia swam through my head. Then I started a mental check list; I would need research project proposals, personal statements, language tests, resumes, recommendations, etc. etc. I examined my life in order to spin it to look good on paper and entice the interests of a donor. I began to compartmentalize my time; if I fill out this at work and study this after iftar, if I travel next weekend and write while we drive, if I go to the Internet cafe after I teach class...Soon my head was throbbing and my eyes watering. My entire body tightened and my jaw ached as I realized deadlines loomed near. I was overwhelmed with life and work, schedules and responsibilities. And time was ticking for me to return home to our apartment to prepare for a dinner party. Now the excitement of company was transforming into a chore keeping me from my future.
Suddenly my phone rang. My roommate needed me to pick up a few things from the grocery store. She was already cooking. It just wasn't enough time. I had accomplished nothing, wasted my day. I angrily left the cafe and returned to my car to navigate the labyrinthine neighborhoods and Ramadan craze. I brooded through traffic, growing more frustrated and stressed with each honk or illegal turn. As I stopped at a light, a severely deformed man with bowed legs and a crooked back hobbled through the idling cars, withered hand outstretched. And of course my heart sank. I handed him a JD and guiltily sped away, slowly sinking into depression. For the last three days I had been killing myself trying to find ways to continue living abroad and I just arrived in Amman three weeks ago. And why did I want to live abroad or for that matter why am I even in Jordan? Clearly it has little to do with changing the world. I'm more interested in finding dance clubs, the perfect fellowship, writing for a magazine, meeting people, teaching class, building my resume and traveling than actually helping people who need it most. I sit in an office all day typing about travel packages or organizational structure or tourism advocacy. I tell myself that increasing tourism could create 50,000 new jobs for people in Jordan. But giving a crippled beggar a JD is my only interaction with the poor. So I wonder, is the world of development really for me? Does it mean nothing more to me than numbers on a piece of paper, impressive credentials and exotic locations?
Two quotes best represent my mood and contemplations as I pass through this crisis that I'm sure everyone has wrestled with at one time or another or every other week."The ultimate end of human acts is eudaimonia, happiness in the sense of living well, which all men desire; all acts are but different means chosen to arrive at it." -- Hannah Arendt
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -E.B. White
*Pictures taken while lost in Amman.
5 comments:
Your words ring loud and true halfway across the world and I've been asking myself a lot of those same things this week. Figuring out our lives is exhausting and living in perpetual existential crises sucks. Cheers to knowing that we're not alone in the struggle though! Let's chat soon and commiserate. ;)
ha ha, morals are so obnoxious aren't they??? We need a skype date!!! We can drink beer and talk about how life is meaningless and we are inconsequential. It'll be a blast!!!
My cousin had an interesting idea when I talked to him this weekend. He said instead of trying to help fix things he's going to help push humanity toward extinction since we're headed that way anyway. Ok, he's kind of insane, but I always find his perspective really interesting because the only other person I know from my town that has even slightly similar experience and apparently he has a completely opposite philosophy of life.
I sympathize with you completely. There's a reason why neither of us did the Peace Corps thing and it's not just because it's run by the American government. If there is one thing I have realized from my "experiential" education this past year, its that life has to be worth living and I'm not really willing to be a martyr. And I kind of think that's just a sign of psychological health. Anywho, while our classmates are doing various things, some in more difficult situations than others, we all get some sort of personal satisfaction out of what we're doing. And none of us are really going to change the world. But at least we're trying to not be part of the problem. I want to say something profoundly helpful, but you're probably gonna be wrestling with this for the rest of your life, which is better than not thinking about it at all ;)
Well put!
Hello!
I am contacting you because I am working with the authors of a book about blogs, and I'd like to request permission to use a photograph of yours in this book. Please contact me at hannah@wefeelfine.org, and I'd be happy to give you more information about the project. Please paste a link to your blog in the subject field. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Hannah
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